Revelations

Revelation: a surprising and previously unknow fact, especially one that is made known in a dramatic way.


A lot has happened since I last updated. I went to school, made some AMAZING friends in my beyond awesome Japanese class. Got kicked out of school. Started working again, made some great friends, and rekindled friendships at work/back in the city. Got kicked out/left the cradle. Met a wonderful someone that sees my light, and nutrued it for a short period. They helped me get out of the rut I was starting to get comfortable in. All throughout my life, I desperately wanted to believe there wasn't a God. How can someone that "loves" put the very thing it loves in harms way. Reject, destroy, dismiss, and abandon it's loved things? I couldn't grasp my head around it. I wanted, and I did hate for so long. I never wanted to accept any sort of religion inside me that I didn't sift through first. But it's funny how you meet someone that makes everything change. Makes you wanna change. I thought I had everything sorted out right. Be forgiving, be spiritual, help others. This was my path. It's still my path to some extent. How can someone come into your life and shake everything up and then leave? If this isn't a soulmate relationship, it's definitely Karmic!!! But it's mutual I hear. So it must be, to a certain extent, soulmate level. I have never loved deeper than right now. The very thought of losing this person grips my heart and brings a waterfall of tears to my eyes. I want him, more than anything I've ever wanted. More than going to see Vixx. This is what I've wanted. For so long, for so much. And when I finally had it, I reached out and my fingers could barely touch it. It reminds me of that old greek painting of the lovers that both are reaching out to the other, but can never touch. We both aren't ready yet. But I feel like we will be soon. I know in my heart that HE is the one. No doubts this time. None at all. The way our souls collide with each other when we're in our "happy". The many synchronity that we share with our lives. It just feels soo right. Even when it's wrong, it's right. The mere sight of him calms my soul. I've never experienced something like this before. There is a reason we met. Growth is always a reason for meeting, but I feel there is something beyond this. I yearn for the day we can become a third together. He's everything. But he needs to change some things, and I need to change some things. There is a small portion..about 2% of myself that warns me this is the almost soulmate. Well, this has yet to be seen. I believe with the other 98% this is the one for me this life. I've grown to this point, every year growing stronger of faith, and building the confidence for this. Making myself whole, so that I may share that with another. There was always hope of another! Always.

So this is my update. Seems like not too long ago I was despairing and saying the same thing about another. I believe he was the almost. There is no other now.

I have to go find my path, again, now that I found my motivation.

Wait for me.

To Be or Not to Be....

That is my life's question. Although, fortunately unlike dear Hamlet I'm over that depressive portion of my life, and am not contemplating suicide. I realize that I have been preoccupied these last few months, and have not posted on here as I truly wished I could have. Reason being, I have no direction. I was trying to find direction. Whether or not that I have embarked on my spiritual journey or other to find my "motivation" is not yet clear to me. What is clear to me is how I have grown these last few months albeit my hesitance and confusion. I seem to be on a bullet train to an unknown location in the depth of myself to find my clarity again. Whether I like it or not, I am aboard. Fate has it's grasp on me, and it is adamantly clear with its decision that my time to learn is now.

I think all this...is starting to make sense. However confused I am at this point. I knew back in December that something BIG, something utterly out of my control was going to happen. And something exactly like that HAS indeed happened. I am with someone, someone I cannot tell, but I believe may either be a soulmate or a karmic partner. He's just absolutely wonderful, and amazing in every sense of the word. His love makes me feel wonderful, and light and happier than I have ever been in this life. But sometimes, the distance gets to me. And I start to feel...not very strong. Not as strong as I once was. I start to question if I was every truly as strong as I felt before I met him. He seems to see the best in me, and I of him. I find myself easily able to converse, and be my real self with him. No facades. I wonder if this is a soulmate. On may occasion I find myself feeling that it is so. The distance, and his sometimes erratic communication behavior serves to unnerve me. Maybe this is the test I am to undergo? I may have to learn to love, unconditionally  I think I used to. I know I lost that skill. Hardening of your heart does that. Sometimes, I really have a hard time believing that he actually loves me. Maybe instead, my lesson is to let love in?

Whatever fate has in store for me, I am bound to experience, and learn from it. I do not believe that this particular lesson will be one of pain. I am sure that I will come away from this a stronger, and better soul. I just hope that this time, I can come away with it not just by myself, but with a companion, a life-long friend, and lover.

Motivation Highway

After a short, but deep conversation with a friend of mine. I have seemed to have been struck by an epiphany. This epiphany is that I must go on a journey. Whether it is a spiritual one or not..I do not yet know. However...it has become uncomfortably clear that I have to partake in this journey to find my missing piece. The thing that every great writer must have--the key to ever great story that has ever been written. This key...is motivation. I lack it. And when it comes to my writing in question, it is only just the tip of the iceberg. I must journey now to not only find my motivation, but also find a way in keeping me actively motivated. I must find a burning passion to see one of my creations to its end. Otherwise I have failed myself.  And that is something I cannot, and will not allow of myself. I cannot fail myself in doing the one thing that truly makes me happy--and that is making others happy. If you have the ability of making someone happy, why would you not? This is my life's goal. This is my purpose. I am here to make others happy, and to get rid of the evil of the world. I do not believe in any way, shape, or form that my writing will cause world peace. That is blasphemous! No single thing can cause a global impact like that. World peace will only be achieved through a series of positive mind changes. I do not believe anything I could write would cause something of that magnitude. Ever. But I do however believe that it could--along with a handful of other things-- be the step people need to take to open their minds up to the series of events that would shift the global perspective into one of happiness, positivity, and love.

So that is why...I must go on this journey, in search of my motivation.

Socially Awkward, Party of 1?

It's come to my attention that everyone suffers from a bit of anti-socialness. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact if you are just anti-social enough you might be a genius. Because let's face it..most geniuses are a bit more anti-social than the rest of us. This leads me to believe that if you are socially awkward, you are in the right direction to becoming a genius. Now...I'm not saying that all anti-social people are geniuses, nor are all socially awkward people. In fact what I'm telling you is--why are you even listening to me? Who cares if you're a genius or not. A true genius is someone who recognizes their faults, and short comings and can utilize them to their advantage. Honestly!! Sometimes I don't even know what I'm talking about...I just like to ramble. So please forgive me.

But..just a quick question? Do you think I am a socially awkward genius, or just suffering from sporadic bouts of anti-socialness?

Sometimes I would like to know how exactly do my thoughts process..and why exactly do I just start to ramble on randomly?


I guess I will never know....

Such is Life

There is no disappointment like one where you had no previous knowledge of a situation that is to be taking place, and having missed such a situation when you had prior plans to attend said situation months in advanced. Such disappointment can clearly be only experienced with growing older, and forgetfulness. Such is life.